Hi,

As you can read is my name Esther. Full name: Esther Marijke van Asselt. Born in a small village in Limburg called Sittard-Geleen. While this village is not always shown as the brightest cities (robberies, gangs, gun violence, murder, etc.), I had a very easy childhood I must say. Of course I had my problems as a child, not knowing why I was female because I didn't want to push a baby out of my vagina. Apparently I wanted to be called 'Stefan' for a whole summer because I really felt like boys had a better life. This probably came from me looking up to my two big brothers and a very strong sister. Being the youngest of four had its pros and cons.

Okay, let's go to high school.
I remember my brothers and sister where already (done) on hight school which made me kind of insecure of my own being. I was never really at ease with my position and the moment where I was in life. I also wanted to live on my own (and that at the age of 13!) because my sister did. My mom told me she worried that I could never find peace with where I was. And I guess she was right. I grew up looking out for older friends so that they could teach me about life (and its faults). So growing up I was a really hard teenager for my parents. I found friends that where already graduating while I was still in 3rd year. This made me very sad because 'all my friends where already leaving school, so what am I supposed to do'. Again, not satisfied with where I am. I tried to keep up with them by showing I was not afraid of anything which resulted in me trying to find my way without my parents (or anyones) help. I found peace with a group of people that I would go out, drink and do stuff, that my parents would not concent to do, with. Although I thought I knew what I was doing a lot of people around me and my parents where talking about me like I was a lost child that could never be saved. Slut, alcoholic, weirdo, alternative emo, etc. were just a few words I could hear behind my back (mostly from neighbours that had hinted on a false gossip) that really hurted me. Still to this day I can not understand why people would just spread words about someone while they do not know the whole story. I understand I wasn't the easiest to handle but I was and always have been very true to myself. I had never had sex with anyone but still my parents didn't believe me when they heard the gossip.
The only person that really understood me and helped me understand the other side was my sister. Because of her I figured that my actions had consequences and that I needed to change.

Well, this happend and I found my old routine back. Even though everyone around me was happy that the old and 'good' Esther was back. I have never again felt peace in my being. Not sure if the rebellious thing was the right thing but that time was one big part of me feeling alive.

Right now we have entered the last year of Willem de Kooning where I chose to do the minor 'cultural diversity'. With my group of two awesome female students I found my way in to feminism. This wasn't quite a new subject but understanding it was a different story. With their help I found out what I could do to help my own feminism. First I found it weird and a bit over the top while now I have a new perspective on it. I'm not sure if I would call myself a feminist right now because I still feel like it has a too much negative vibe around it but I'm getting closer to understanding it and put it in to my life.

2018.